I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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