Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
