Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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