I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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