i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
