i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
