your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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