Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
