My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
