you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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