i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
