Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
