I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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