I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like a drive thru vagina
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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