WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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