sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
