I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
