One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
