I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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