no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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