i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
