i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
