I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize