"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
