Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize