I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
