I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
