I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize