I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
