I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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