In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
