im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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