I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
