11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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