Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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