No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
