he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
