I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
