i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize