i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
