I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
