I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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