every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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