Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
