Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
