the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
