So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
