I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
