Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
