so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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