Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
