woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Text me some of your sweat
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
