well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
