If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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