gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
