Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize