She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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