At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
