i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
